Big reactions rarely look proportionate on the outside. That doesn't mean they aren't.
“You're overreacting.”
“It's not that big a deal.”
“Just calm down.”
If you're raising a child with ADHD or autism, you've probably heard these words, from teachers, from relatives, maybe even from yourself in a tired moment.
The biscuit broke. The sock seam felt wrong. The plan changed by ten minutes. And suddenly you're in the middle of a reaction that seems enormous compared to what caused it.
Here's what I've learned raising my own children: it only looks like an overreaction if you can't see everything underneath it.
The reaction is rarely about the biscuit
Think of your child's day as a bucket. Every demand, every noise, every social puzzle, every itchy tag, every instruction they had to hold in their head, it all goes in the bucket. For many ADHD and autistic children, the bucket fills faster than it does for their peers, and they have fewer chances to empty it.
The broken biscuit isn't the reason for the reaction. It's the last drop in a bucket that has been filling all day.
When we only see the biscuit, the reaction looks irrational. When we see the whole bucket, it makes perfect sense.
Feelings arrive bigger and faster
Many children with ADHD experience emotions with remarkable intensity. A small disappointment can genuinely feel enormous. A correction can feel like rejection. This isn't drama, it reflects real differences in how their brains process and regulate emotion.
Many autistic children, meanwhile, are managing a sensory world that is simply louder, brighter and less predictable for them than it is for others, while also working hard to decode social situations that don't come with instructions.
By the time a big reaction appears, their nervous system may have been working overtime for hours.
A full reaction, not an overreaction
So here's the reframe that changed things in our home:
What looks like an overreaction is usually a full reaction, a genuine, proportionate response to everything the child is carrying, most of which we can't see.
Our children aren't reacting to the moment. They're reacting to the accumulation.
Seeing the whole bucket, not just the last drop, changes everything about how we respond.
What helps
Lower the load where you can, build in decompression time after school, reduce demands when you can see the bucket is full, and let quiet be an option.
Co-regulate before you converse. A dysregulated child can't access logic. Calm presence first, fewer words, and save the teaching for later, when everyone's brain is back online.
Name it afterwards, together. “That felt huge, didn't it? I wonder if today was just a lot.” Over time, children learn to notice their own bucket filling.
And shift the question, from “why are you overreacting?” to “what has today been like for them?”
That one shift turns frustration into understanding. And understanding is where everything else begins.
If big reactions are frequent, intense or affecting your family's safety or daily life, please reach out to your GP, paediatrician or psychologist. Seeking support isn't a sign something is wrong with your child, it's a sign their growth matters.